Live, Laugh, Love…

Following my first date on the Thursday I was right back swiping on the Friday. It may be becoming a bit of an obsession if I’m honest. I’m on three different apps and I’m constantly having a snoop at who’s on offer. I realised it may be a problem when I was sat in the train station waiting for my train to be announced and every male who walked past I imagined them sliding to the right or left* dependent on whether or not I fancied them… Yeah I may need to reign it in…

If you read my last post, I said I had no dates lined up and a busy week ahead but then I started chatting to Scott. Scott’s profile was very straight to the point. Age 38, owns his own gardening business. Very adamant he has his shit together, goes the gym etc etc. States that if you don’t want children you should swipe left. I actually found his openness quite refreshing – this guy wants no time wasters! I really should have swiped left as him wanting kids is an obvious sign he is looking for a relationship and not in fact wanting to become a blog entry…but then I looked at his pictures. Hello!!! I am also aware that the idea of this dating blog and my mantra is to date like a man. A man would see that and not give a shit if he wanted the same things. He’d question if he fancied her or not and that’s how he’d decide on a swipe! So I drooled  over the pictures of him looking all manly next to his van and looking at me like he’d pick me up and throw me over his shoulder and I swiped right…It’s a match! I may need to address the fact that I’m currently drawn to the manual labourers of the world. It’s probably just as simple as wanting to avoid the same type of man my ex is – a twat in a suit.

Turns out Scott is as direct as his profile and within a couple of flirty messages in which he came across as keen but sane, a date had been arranged! Then – and it feels like immediately after I’d agreed to a date…my rose tinted manual labour loving glasses started to slip. I commented on his keenness and this was the message I got back:

Someone fit… you

My type… you

Whose single… you

Has no kids…. you

Lives local… you

And young enough to have a family… you X

So yeah I’m snapping you up haha X

…It was at this point I began to wonder if I was being auditioned as a surrogate? I almost expected the other half of that to be: 

Menstrual cycle is regular…you

No history of mental illness in the family…you

No plans in 9 months….you

Then once his Keenness had gone from cute to a bit creepy all the doubt started creeping in. So I did what I shouldn’t really and I asked for his instagram. That’s when I saw it. The first post. A tattoo on his leg of the ultimate cringe of all cringe sayings. So bad that once I turned down an amazing flat to rent simply because it had a wall transfer of this in the bedroom. I could have just taken it off but it just disgusted me so I turned the flat and its ‘Live Laugh Love’ wall decoration down. So you can imagine my reaction when I saw that Scott had this permanently inked on his leg?!

Nora was equally traumatised when I sent her a screen shot of the tattoo within 4 seconds of discovering it. She did try to help by telling me it’s OK… men make stupid choices when they’re young and he probably had it done in Malia with the lads when he was 19. She is such a voice of reason and I felt immediately better until I checked back a good 12 seconds later and in fact Scott had that done at aged 38. After consulting with several friends no one would allow me to cancel the date based on his tattoo choice. They all just reminded me that as I’m not looking for a relationship so it’s fine and I just need to go and enjoy myself. I actually think what they all mean is that they’re enjoying the stories i’m providing and don’t want it to end. My house mate Cheryl’s exact words were ‘Think of the content!’ With raging eyes to match. How could I not go?

So 48 hours after first matching (boom!) we had our date. I had a few more wobbles the day of the date – he told me he wouldn’t be drinking. So I immediately thought oh shit he’s either an alcoholic or too tight to pay for an Uber. Turns out neither but it still made me doubt my swiping choices. He also tried to call me. Now I won’t go into my issues with the phone but I think I must have had a lot of phone trauma in a previous life because I hate it. I actually would rather sleep with a man before engaging in a phone conversation. I also think it may be to blame for a previous relationship I had with a man who was deaf as he clearly wasn’t able to phone me and I quite liked this. Anyway my issue wasn’t him calling me – it was that after I ignored him he sent me a video message!! Hats off to him for confidence he was literally sat on his couch from the most unflattering angle chatting away to me with what looked like sovereign ring on his finger. I did not fancy Scott and decided immediately I had been catfished. It sent me into all kinds of cringe but I remained brave and as Cheryl would say – committed to the content.

Scott did gain a point by texting saying he was nearly there and asking what I’d like to drink. What a gent and i’d found the drink buying stressful at my last date as I hadn’t been sure on protocol so this was good. However, he had lost about 400 points with the video so I still wasn’t optimistic.

I arrived to the chosen pub which was literally legging it distance from my house and he was sat at a table waiting with my drink. As I walked towards him he stood up and good god he was fit. Nothing like the four chin and sovereign ring video he had sent thank fuck! He looked like his actual profile pictures – if not better. So first impressions were very good. Even his ring looked better in real life! SO he sat with his shandy and I sipped on my gin as we chatted away. It was nice but my lord he was intense. I was immediately spun back into feeling like I was being interviewed for a surrogacy agency. He wanted to know my 10 year life plan, do I want to get married, have I been cheated on….intense! 

He also completely over shared – I know that he was dumped a month before his wedding. He’s been bankrupt. He doesn’t speak to his Dad. He’s been homeless**. He’s had chlamydia***. He tried to become an escort. He told me EVERYTHING. At one point I hadn’t spoken for a good 8 minutes. I also got the back story to every tattoo on his upper body (luckily the LLL is on his leg phew – I could not have coped) – he was absolutely blown away by the fact that I could tell immediately that one of them said Jekyl and when he turned his arm it said Hyde. Apparently i’m the first girl to ever get it. So clearly he dates illiterate women. He also made a sexual innuendo out of everything. Don’t get me wrong – I have a filthy mind at the right moment and to the right degree – sexual innuendos done well are hilarious and clever. His gauge of them was all out he just clung onto anything that he could remotely link to sex and then 30 seconds later talked about how much he wanted children.

The kids thing is clearly huge for him. I had to tell him that I hope to have children one day but I’m not going on dates with any goals. I believe in manifesting what you want and asking the universe but I now also believe that sometimes you can want something so much you end up convincing yourself you’ve found it and looking for signs. I definitely think this killed his vibe and he’s used to women soaking up his every word and just falling at his feet. He also made comments about women ‘trapping’ men when their biological clocks are ticking….I couldn’t bite my tongue here and I think this is probably where I killed the date. I commented that this sounds familiar and gave him the knowing eyes. He immediately became defensive and the date ended soon after with not so much as an attempt at a passionate kiss!

There’s been very little texting back and forward since and in fact when checking his profile on the dating app where we met – he’s now deleted himself. So I’ve either put him off dating women completely or he’s decided I’m the one and is currently researching schools. Either way….Live Laugh Love 😉

*For you dating app virgins or for those who like me just get confused – left is ‘Thank you next’ and right is: ‘Yes please!’. I often have to remind myself of this when I think I’m super popular matching with a shit load of hot guys…only to realise I was swiping the wrong way.

** not on the streets – in his brothers so I strictly speaking should not put that – but I like the dramatic effect so its staying.

***gross

Pleasant Greg

Hoorah to my first official date! I had been chatting with Greg for a week or so and decided very quickly when I joined all the dating apps that I was not going to fall into the chatting online forever trap. I’ve done it before where I’d spend so long talking to them on WhatsApp that I would legitimately have nothing to say to them if I met them in real life or they had simply started to bore me. So as soon as Greg and I seemed to have a bit of text chemistry* we arranged a drink.

The date was in a cosy corner bar on the road we both live within a stones throw from. The road is great it’s a hive of hip and happening bars serving a plethora of overpaid young professionals with craft beers and coffees that you pay about 9 quid for but I love it and it’s perfect date territory. I arrived bang on time like a complete square – and of course he wasn’t there yet. What do you do in this situation? Stand outside like you’re waiting for you Mum to pick you up from after school club? Go inside and order a drink?…then you’ve got yourself a drink and he turns up and it’s just selfish and awkward….(what did I tell you about us females over thinking EVERYTHING?). 

I chose the latter and made my way to the bar – ordered a glass of red because I decided that would make me look the most classy and ignored stares of sadness from strangers realising I was on a tinder date. That’s ridiculous – those people were blatantly not looking at me with sadness but that is of course what my brain was telling me in this 15 seconds of walking to the bar. No wonder I’m always exhausted. I then decided to text him and ask what he’d like to drink because I am doing ‘it’ like a dude but I’d like to think I can be a gentleman…at least at the start of the date anyway. He replied saying he would be two minutes and to get him a gin and slim line tonic…..In my head I hear someone shouting:

‘BORE’ 

‘GYM BORE’

‘YAWN’ ‘

‘WON’T EVEN TREAT HIMSELF TO A FULL FAT TONIC’ 

and I immediately regret my fat wine!

It had however been poured and the barman was sprinkling fairy dust, leaves of sage and some tiny balls of shimmer onto Gregs gin so I decided to stick to my original decision. 

In walks Greg. First impressions** – very short (so he has lied about being 5 foot 8….he is not 5 foot 8). His beard and hair were preened to perfection – I believe that if there had been a freak tornado hit the bar at that point his hair would remained perfectly coiffed. My next internal dilemma was the greeting. The man knows a fair bit about me for someone I’ve never met – he messages me to ask about my day, says good morning over text etc so surely a hand shake or a ‘Yo what’s up’ nod*** isn’t sufficient. I decided on the awkward hug and back pat obviously.

The date was OK. He was very pleasant. Not a weirdo and I felt comfortable and had a pleasant time. There was zero chemistry. I am very very horny at the moment and at no point did I want to rip his clothes off which was highly disappointing. I also heavily regretted the sexy thong I’d chosen over the hold in Bridget-esque Spanx. I could have looked so much thinner 😤

No Merchandising. Editorial Use Only Mandatory Credit: Photo by c.Universal/Everett / Rex Features ( 431900b ) ‘Bridget Jones’s Diary’ – Renee Zellweger ‘Bridget Jones’s Diary’ Film – 2001

In light of this frustration I kept staring at his face trying to make myself fancy him…but I just didn’t. The only thing that did was highlight his lack of eyebrows which was surprising considering his hair. He used phrases like ‘it is what it is’ which didn’t help. The conversation was better with the more wine I drank but at first I felt like Lorraine fucking Kelly interviewing a guest. Not even an interesting guest. A guest who wanted to tell Lorraine how much his car and house cost… I was very good at the questions and should probably consider a career change but I got little back in terms of him enquiring about me. 

I had 4 glasses of wine so I was heading right down the slippery drunken slope (But still no fanny flutters!) and Greg had work early the next day so we called it a night around 11.30pm. When we arrived at the top of my road it was time to say goodbye….cue a million internal dilemmas but after all the wine my brain wasn’t fast enough to execute a panic plan and before I’d said ‘thanks for a nice eve…’ he had gone in for a kiss. Now the kiss…. Not a match for the builder so that throws out my friends theory of the height thing. I suppose it’s more down to chemistry and how much you fancy someone and as I was lacking in that department with pleasant Greg the kiss was just that. Pleasant. I also hadn’t had a chance to consider my move after the kiss so when we wrapped up the lip action I quite simply said ‘Thanks for that’….like a fucking ejjit.

So there it is. My first date! Not a raving success but not a complete disaster and it’s certainly not put me off.

No more dates lined up this week and I have a manic work week coming up but I shall continue swiping and may treat you to some highlights of the weirdos on the apps.

Happy swiping!

Post date Update – A week later….I was walking along the main road near my house without a care in the world. I passed a lovely wine bar which I often wish I could be sat in when I realised the people I was staring at wishing I could be, were actually pleasant Greg and his latest date….shit. I locked eyes with him and what I should have done next was avert eyes and keep walking. Nope. Bellowed “Hi Greg”…did a wave. Smiled. Poor Greg looked at the floor as though he’d like it to open up. Either that was a date and he isn’t ok with admitting he has once met another female before her orrrr pleasant Greg is married and that was his wife!

*Text Chemistry – I’m still not convinced this is even a thing. Quite possibly it’s just that he seemed normal and didn’t send a dick pic?! It’s also them not being offended by my humour which is quite difficult to work out in the written form as I’m sure you are learning. Thanks for not swiping left on me so far 😉

**I am not a bitch. I am judging no one…that’s a lie ok I am but this is my blog and I’m documenting thoughts that I cannot help thinking. Soz.

***Literally never done this

The Builder

So as I teased in the end of my introduction – I did not meet my first dabble into the dating world on a dating app. Actually scrap that – no dates were involved in this…Although not sure what I would call it – a sexual encounter, flirtation, rendezvous…all of the above?!

I met Chris* when I was temporarily staying at my best friend’s house as a kind of end of relationship refugee camp. The country I was escaping was a one bedroom flat with my boyfriend who I had broken up with and who was slowly draining the life out of me. I had a house share lined up but could not possibly cope with living with his miserable face any longer so my wonderful friend offered me their spare room. Now this is real love. Not only did her and her husband take me in when I was quite frankly a miserable cow – they also took me in when she was 8 months pregnant, with a 3 year old toddler and whilst their house was having an extension built on it. 

Cut to the chase…the builders. I didn’t notice any of them in my heart broken haze…until I did. My friend Nora and her husband Shaun had gone away with their little girl Seren for the weekend so I had the place to myself. Or so I thought! It was a bank holiday and Nora let me know that the builders may pop in. Pop in they did….! Two of the labourers arrived in the morning and that day it was a very warm 28 degrees – which of course in the UK means men take their tops off. And Chris realllllly took his top off. I nearly choked on my brew it was like the Diet Coke advert. This is when I knew I was getting over my ex. All sorts of things stirred in me and I think some of them are commonly know as fanny flutters (Maura, Love Island, 2019). So I did what anyone else would do whilst in their Pj’s, no bra, no make up and hair scragged up in a bun. I sauntered out with a twister lolly ice to cool him down…as you do**. 

A couple of week of flirtation later and I was moving out. Chris was the perfect gent and helped load my car and that was that. Flirtation over. Except….2 days later I was home alone and 3 glasses of wine in I was adding him on insta like a bad stalker. The rest was history and before you knew it we were messaging back and forth and I couldn’t barely remember my ex’s name!

Now at this point I hadn’t worked out that I would like to start doing ‘it’*** like a dude… just knew I was fresh out of a shit relationship and didn’t want another. I certainly didn’t want to be searching for one. I did know this guy made me reach for my bullet**** more than I’d care to admit. So why the hell not?! Sick of being goody two shoes and ending up disappointed I decided to go with it…! 

I won’t go in to too much detail as I want to respect Chris’s privacy (pahaha) but lets just say for a short guy (Maybe 5 foot 6 at a push?!) he had a bloody huge cock! I have never used the aubergine emoji so much following our sexual encounter (yes I‘ve gone with that). 

He came back to mine after we had been out for a drink with a couple of others and I have to stay – the kissing was probably the best kiss I’ve ever had. In hindsight my friends and I have decided it may be because I finally went for a man nearer my height but I don’t know….such a good kisser. Obviously due to his measurements the sex was good. He’d spent the whole night pulling chairs out for me, holding doors open etc but let’s just say Chris was a lady on the streets and a freak in the bed…! The chair wasn’t the only pulling he did and I actually had to check if I still had hair in my head at one point. If I had to provide some constructive feedback I’d say he wasn’t as giving as he could have been and he should really carry his own Chris sized condoms around as I’m sure my normal sized ones were not quite enough (Fine on my ex though….hmmm!)

So I’d shagged!!! YES! At no point did I want to scream my exes name or even think of him. But what I did have to do after was remember that I had to stay detached. I have literally spent my whole life becoming immediately emotionally attached to anyone I shag. Not this time! I also figured out pretty quickly with Chris that he wasn’t the brightest bulb in the box and that he was from the roughest estate around. He’d actually been stabbed…! So I was under no illusions that we’d be anything more than that shag but I also knew I’m predisposed to becoming attached so I worked at not being that person….Until he text.

This was literally last night. Two weeks after the deed and he messages to ask what I’m up to… So I’d had a shit day. Worked at a funeral and then sat on the motorway for hours following a huge crash. I was tired and a bit vulnerable when he messaged asking if I fancied watching a film and chilling. (At mine as obvs he lives at his Dad’s..!) I’d also learnt last week that Chris was off travelling in a week or so – so I rationalised that one more night won’t harm anyways and I could do with a cuddle. So I said yes….blinded by the prospect of his big dick. Never having Netlfixed and chilled before I decided I needed a drink for courage and went and got a bottle of wine. Tidied my room ready for him coming over….and do you know what…

He didn’t fucking come. 

Or message me. 

Ghosted. 

What a twat.

The morale of this tale is. No matter how big his Dick is. He is still…just a dick. I got thrown for a few hours and associated comfort with him and having a man round. Well that’s ok because Chris has made me realise my mission and I’m back on track now. No matter how big a penis is it will not distract me!!!! My first actual date since I decided to date like a dude is tomorrow….I’ll be sure to update you on that 😉

*

*Chris – This is not his real name. Identities have been changed to protect my dates….Although I’m about to tell you he has a huge knob so I’m sure he wishes I’d put his full name, phone number and home address.

** For those disappointed by my misleading 90’s porno reference in the introduction – this is all I meant by that. It does actually sound like I’m setting up for a soft core porno VHS where after I give him the lolly ice he tells me where he’d like me to lick…I’ll stop now…(I hadn’t had sex for quite some time at this point so forgive the over imagination).

***It being men, sex, dating. Probably should have clarified that earlier with this being the title.

****A sex toy….not a gun.

Oh Hey There…

‘Do it Like a Dude’ is an anonymous blog written about dating and single life in 2019 as a 30’s woman who is fed up of waiting for the one AND being good whilst doing it. If she’s not going to meet the love of her life just now she may as well have fun waiting instead of counting up all the should haves of her twenties…After all women hit sexual peak in their thirties don’t they…?! It just wouldn’t be fair to waste that on a vibrator 😉

Let’s Do it Like a Dude…

I have been on plenty of dates throughout my twenties but I have never enjoyed dating. At the tender age of 31 (okay 32 next month), I have finally realised why. Every single time I have been on a date or even started chatting/flirting to a member of the opposite sex, I have practically had us married off even before my Spanx have had the chance to roll down my muffin top. I have approached most areas of my life with the motto that you should live in the now and enjoy the journey instead of focusing on the destination blah blah blah. But, I haven’t applied that to my love life. And what do you know…My career – amazing. Finances – great. Family – perfect. Friends – the best of the best. Love life….absolutely shite. 

This is where that changes. I literally have nothing to lose. I have just ended another shitty relationship with an idiot I was settling for. I have no desire to rush into finding another man child that drains the life out of me. I just want the good bits. The fun. The excitement. The part that we as women miss out on enjoying because we are analysing every move of the other person in a bid to see whether they are ‘the one’… Insert rolling eye emoji here please! We are completely missing the moments while doing this. Yeah the guy may end up being a complete twat and it may be the date from hell but looking back on the shitty dates I had I actually have some of the funniest stories.

So hit me with the dates. The funny shitty ones. The good ones that don’t go anywhere. The slutty ones…I want them all! And to fully commit to this I have decided in a completely PC way that I’m going to do it like a dude. I am not being sexist here. I have grown up with brothers and boy cousins and always had boy mates before girl mates. I love the male species – they just have a different way of dealing with things and my god it’s refreshing. It doesn’t take a situation and turn it into something else in a milli second with no warning. It sees things in black and white when they are black and white. Like wise, I’m not against women and their complicated minds. I am one and good god I have one. We’re amazing. But amazing comes at a cost and from my very extensive research (me and all my friends…!) it’s safe to say we can over complicate. Take sex for example…why can’t it just be sex? This isn’t our fault. We have been raised in a society that tells us we must wait at least three dates to have sex with a man if we ever hope to find a husband…What the actual fuck?? Men sleep with various women and they are given praise and a back slap. We sleep with various men and we believe we will be given a hoe bag reputation, a chlamydia test kit and a sign saying ‘Don’t  Marry Me’. My new dating/love life outlook includes having sex when I want sex. Unashamedly and like a man.

Jessie knows…

So that’s it – not overly exciting but a bit of fun. Possibly just like the dates I’m going to go on. I have no rules with my little dating project (Except to rubber up…safe sex kids!).

Sneak preview into my first subject/victim/object of affection (delete depending on how you feel about me right now….) – we did not meet on a dating app. Some good old fashion face to face flirting and good god it’s so cheesy it could be the start of a 90’s porno.

Till then date safe!

X