Live, Laugh, Love…

Following my first date on the Thursday I was right back swiping on the Friday. It may be becoming a bit of an obsession if I’m honest. I’m on three different apps and I’m constantly having a snoop at who’s on offer. I realised it may be a problem when I was sat in the train station waiting for my train to be announced and every male who walked past I imagined them sliding to the right or left* dependent on whether or not I fancied them… Yeah I may need to reign it in…

If you read my last post, I said I had no dates lined up and a busy week ahead but then I started chatting to Scott. Scott’s profile was very straight to the point. Age 38, owns his own gardening business. Very adamant he has his shit together, goes the gym etc etc. States that if you don’t want children you should swipe left. I actually found his openness quite refreshing – this guy wants no time wasters! I really should have swiped left as him wanting kids is an obvious sign he is looking for a relationship and not in fact wanting to become a blog entry…but then I looked at his pictures. Hello!!! I am also aware that the idea of this dating blog and my mantra is to date like a man. A man would see that and not give a shit if he wanted the same things. He’d question if he fancied her or not and that’s how he’d decide on a swipe! So I drooled  over the pictures of him looking all manly next to his van and looking at me like he’d pick me up and throw me over his shoulder and I swiped right…It’s a match! I may need to address the fact that I’m currently drawn to the manual labourers of the world. It’s probably just as simple as wanting to avoid the same type of man my ex is – a twat in a suit.

Turns out Scott is as direct as his profile and within a couple of flirty messages in which he came across as keen but sane, a date had been arranged! Then – and it feels like immediately after I’d agreed to a date…my rose tinted manual labour loving glasses started to slip. I commented on his keenness and this was the message I got back:

Someone fit… you

My type… you

Whose single… you

Has no kids…. you

Lives local… you

And young enough to have a family… you X

So yeah I’m snapping you up haha X

…It was at this point I began to wonder if I was being auditioned as a surrogate? I almost expected the other half of that to be: 

Menstrual cycle is regular…you

No history of mental illness in the family…you

No plans in 9 months….you

Then once his Keenness had gone from cute to a bit creepy all the doubt started creeping in. So I did what I shouldn’t really and I asked for his instagram. That’s when I saw it. The first post. A tattoo on his leg of the ultimate cringe of all cringe sayings. So bad that once I turned down an amazing flat to rent simply because it had a wall transfer of this in the bedroom. I could have just taken it off but it just disgusted me so I turned the flat and its ‘Live Laugh Love’ wall decoration down. So you can imagine my reaction when I saw that Scott had this permanently inked on his leg?!

Nora was equally traumatised when I sent her a screen shot of the tattoo within 4 seconds of discovering it. She did try to help by telling me it’s OK… men make stupid choices when they’re young and he probably had it done in Malia with the lads when he was 19. She is such a voice of reason and I felt immediately better until I checked back a good 12 seconds later and in fact Scott had that done at aged 38. After consulting with several friends no one would allow me to cancel the date based on his tattoo choice. They all just reminded me that as I’m not looking for a relationship so it’s fine and I just need to go and enjoy myself. I actually think what they all mean is that they’re enjoying the stories i’m providing and don’t want it to end. My house mate Cheryl’s exact words were ‘Think of the content!’ With raging eyes to match. How could I not go?

So 48 hours after first matching (boom!) we had our date. I had a few more wobbles the day of the date – he told me he wouldn’t be drinking. So I immediately thought oh shit he’s either an alcoholic or too tight to pay for an Uber. Turns out neither but it still made me doubt my swiping choices. He also tried to call me. Now I won’t go into my issues with the phone but I think I must have had a lot of phone trauma in a previous life because I hate it. I actually would rather sleep with a man before engaging in a phone conversation. I also think it may be to blame for a previous relationship I had with a man who was deaf as he clearly wasn’t able to phone me and I quite liked this. Anyway my issue wasn’t him calling me – it was that after I ignored him he sent me a video message!! Hats off to him for confidence he was literally sat on his couch from the most unflattering angle chatting away to me with what looked like sovereign ring on his finger. I did not fancy Scott and decided immediately I had been catfished. It sent me into all kinds of cringe but I remained brave and as Cheryl would say – committed to the content.

Scott did gain a point by texting saying he was nearly there and asking what I’d like to drink. What a gent and i’d found the drink buying stressful at my last date as I hadn’t been sure on protocol so this was good. However, he had lost about 400 points with the video so I still wasn’t optimistic.

I arrived to the chosen pub which was literally legging it distance from my house and he was sat at a table waiting with my drink. As I walked towards him he stood up and good god he was fit. Nothing like the four chin and sovereign ring video he had sent thank fuck! He looked like his actual profile pictures – if not better. So first impressions were very good. Even his ring looked better in real life! SO he sat with his shandy and I sipped on my gin as we chatted away. It was nice but my lord he was intense. I was immediately spun back into feeling like I was being interviewed for a surrogacy agency. He wanted to know my 10 year life plan, do I want to get married, have I been cheated on….intense! 

He also completely over shared – I know that he was dumped a month before his wedding. He’s been bankrupt. He doesn’t speak to his Dad. He’s been homeless**. He’s had chlamydia***. He tried to become an escort. He told me EVERYTHING. At one point I hadn’t spoken for a good 8 minutes. I also got the back story to every tattoo on his upper body (luckily the LLL is on his leg phew – I could not have coped) – he was absolutely blown away by the fact that I could tell immediately that one of them said Jekyl and when he turned his arm it said Hyde. Apparently i’m the first girl to ever get it. So clearly he dates illiterate women. He also made a sexual innuendo out of everything. Don’t get me wrong – I have a filthy mind at the right moment and to the right degree – sexual innuendos done well are hilarious and clever. His gauge of them was all out he just clung onto anything that he could remotely link to sex and then 30 seconds later talked about how much he wanted children.

The kids thing is clearly huge for him. I had to tell him that I hope to have children one day but I’m not going on dates with any goals. I believe in manifesting what you want and asking the universe but I now also believe that sometimes you can want something so much you end up convincing yourself you’ve found it and looking for signs. I definitely think this killed his vibe and he’s used to women soaking up his every word and just falling at his feet. He also made comments about women ‘trapping’ men when their biological clocks are ticking….I couldn’t bite my tongue here and I think this is probably where I killed the date. I commented that this sounds familiar and gave him the knowing eyes. He immediately became defensive and the date ended soon after with not so much as an attempt at a passionate kiss!

There’s been very little texting back and forward since and in fact when checking his profile on the dating app where we met – he’s now deleted himself. So I’ve either put him off dating women completely or he’s decided I’m the one and is currently researching schools. Either way….Live Laugh Love 😉

*For you dating app virgins or for those who like me just get confused – left is ‘Thank you next’ and right is: ‘Yes please!’. I often have to remind myself of this when I think I’m super popular matching with a shit load of hot guys…only to realise I was swiping the wrong way.

** not on the streets – in his brothers so I strictly speaking should not put that – but I like the dramatic effect so its staying.

***gross

Published by Do It Like a Dude

An anonymous blog written about dating and single life in 2019 as a 30’s woman who is fed up of waiting for the one and being good whilst doing it. If she’s not going to meet the love of her life just now she may as well have fun waiting instead of counting up all the should haves of her twenties.

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