Pleasant Greg

Hoorah to my first official date! I had been chatting with Greg for a week or so and decided very quickly when I joined all the dating apps that I was not going to fall into the chatting online forever trap. I’ve done it before where I’d spend so long talking to them on WhatsApp that I would legitimately have nothing to say to them if I met them in real life or they had simply started to bore me. So as soon as Greg and I seemed to have a bit of text chemistry* we arranged a drink.

The date was in a cosy corner bar on the road we both live within a stones throw from. The road is great it’s a hive of hip and happening bars serving a plethora of overpaid young professionals with craft beers and coffees that you pay about 9 quid for but I love it and it’s perfect date territory. I arrived bang on time like a complete square – and of course he wasn’t there yet. What do you do in this situation? Stand outside like you’re waiting for you Mum to pick you up from after school club? Go inside and order a drink?…then you’ve got yourself a drink and he turns up and it’s just selfish and awkward….(what did I tell you about us females over thinking EVERYTHING?). 

I chose the latter and made my way to the bar – ordered a glass of red because I decided that would make me look the most classy and ignored stares of sadness from strangers realising I was on a tinder date. That’s ridiculous – those people were blatantly not looking at me with sadness but that is of course what my brain was telling me in this 15 seconds of walking to the bar. No wonder I’m always exhausted. I then decided to text him and ask what he’d like to drink because I am doing ‘it’ like a dude but I’d like to think I can be a gentleman…at least at the start of the date anyway. He replied saying he would be two minutes and to get him a gin and slim line tonic…..In my head I hear someone shouting:

‘BORE’ 

‘GYM BORE’

‘YAWN’ ‘

‘WON’T EVEN TREAT HIMSELF TO A FULL FAT TONIC’ 

and I immediately regret my fat wine!

It had however been poured and the barman was sprinkling fairy dust, leaves of sage and some tiny balls of shimmer onto Gregs gin so I decided to stick to my original decision. 

In walks Greg. First impressions** – very short (so he has lied about being 5 foot 8….he is not 5 foot 8). His beard and hair were preened to perfection – I believe that if there had been a freak tornado hit the bar at that point his hair would remained perfectly coiffed. My next internal dilemma was the greeting. The man knows a fair bit about me for someone I’ve never met – he messages me to ask about my day, says good morning over text etc so surely a hand shake or a ‘Yo what’s up’ nod*** isn’t sufficient. I decided on the awkward hug and back pat obviously.

The date was OK. He was very pleasant. Not a weirdo and I felt comfortable and had a pleasant time. There was zero chemistry. I am very very horny at the moment and at no point did I want to rip his clothes off which was highly disappointing. I also heavily regretted the sexy thong I’d chosen over the hold in Bridget-esque Spanx. I could have looked so much thinner 😤

No Merchandising. Editorial Use Only Mandatory Credit: Photo by c.Universal/Everett / Rex Features ( 431900b ) ‘Bridget Jones’s Diary’ – Renee Zellweger ‘Bridget Jones’s Diary’ Film – 2001

In light of this frustration I kept staring at his face trying to make myself fancy him…but I just didn’t. The only thing that did was highlight his lack of eyebrows which was surprising considering his hair. He used phrases like ‘it is what it is’ which didn’t help. The conversation was better with the more wine I drank but at first I felt like Lorraine fucking Kelly interviewing a guest. Not even an interesting guest. A guest who wanted to tell Lorraine how much his car and house cost… I was very good at the questions and should probably consider a career change but I got little back in terms of him enquiring about me. 

I had 4 glasses of wine so I was heading right down the slippery drunken slope (But still no fanny flutters!) and Greg had work early the next day so we called it a night around 11.30pm. When we arrived at the top of my road it was time to say goodbye….cue a million internal dilemmas but after all the wine my brain wasn’t fast enough to execute a panic plan and before I’d said ‘thanks for a nice eve…’ he had gone in for a kiss. Now the kiss…. Not a match for the builder so that throws out my friends theory of the height thing. I suppose it’s more down to chemistry and how much you fancy someone and as I was lacking in that department with pleasant Greg the kiss was just that. Pleasant. I also hadn’t had a chance to consider my move after the kiss so when we wrapped up the lip action I quite simply said ‘Thanks for that’….like a fucking ejjit.

So there it is. My first date! Not a raving success but not a complete disaster and it’s certainly not put me off.

No more dates lined up this week and I have a manic work week coming up but I shall continue swiping and may treat you to some highlights of the weirdos on the apps.

Happy swiping!

Post date Update – A week later….I was walking along the main road near my house without a care in the world. I passed a lovely wine bar which I often wish I could be sat in when I realised the people I was staring at wishing I could be, were actually pleasant Greg and his latest date….shit. I locked eyes with him and what I should have done next was avert eyes and keep walking. Nope. Bellowed “Hi Greg”…did a wave. Smiled. Poor Greg looked at the floor as though he’d like it to open up. Either that was a date and he isn’t ok with admitting he has once met another female before her orrrr pleasant Greg is married and that was his wife!

*Text Chemistry – I’m still not convinced this is even a thing. Quite possibly it’s just that he seemed normal and didn’t send a dick pic?! It’s also them not being offended by my humour which is quite difficult to work out in the written form as I’m sure you are learning. Thanks for not swiping left on me so far 😉

**I am not a bitch. I am judging no one…that’s a lie ok I am but this is my blog and I’m documenting thoughts that I cannot help thinking. Soz.

***Literally never done this

Published by Do It Like a Dude

An anonymous blog written about dating and single life in 2019 as a 30’s woman who is fed up of waiting for the one and being good whilst doing it. If she’s not going to meet the love of her life just now she may as well have fun waiting instead of counting up all the should haves of her twenties.

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